Going, Going, Gone! with the Pain and the Great One Read online

  “How much did you pay for that?”

  “Three tickets for the mouse, and five for the water.” He chugged down half the water at once. The line for the Super Slide moved so slowly I thought we’d never get to the stairs leading to the top. I checked my watch. Five minutes went by, then ten minutes, then fifteen. The Pain finished his water.

  Finally, we made it to the stairs. Just as we started to go up, the Pain grabbed my arm. “I have to pee.”

  “Now?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  “But it’s almost our turn,” I told him. “Can’t you wait until we’re done?”

  He shook his head. “You have to come with me so I don’t get lost.”

  “But we’ll lose our place on line.” I could see he didn’t care. I could see it was getting to be an emergency.

  I turned to the girls behind us, who were older than me. “I have to take my brother to the bathroom. Will you hold our place?”

  They looked at the Pain. He was shifting his weight from leg to leg. Then they looked at each other. One of them smiled and said, “Sure, we’ll hold your place for three tickets.”

  “Three tickets?”

  “That’s three tickets each,” the other one said. “Because there are two of you.”

  Then the first one said, “That’s six tickets, in case you can’t add.”

  “Hurry!” the Pain said to me.

  “Give me three tickets,” I told him.

  He handed them over. I shoved the six tickets at the girls.

  We raced to the Porta Potties. Another long line. “I can’t wait!” the Pain cried.

  So I went up to the guy who was next. “We have an emergency situation,” I told him.

  He looked at the Pain, who was holding the front of his pants. “I’ve been in a few emergency situations myself,” he said. And he let the Pain go next.

  When he came out, we ran back to the Super Slide. But when we tried to get through the gate, Mr. Tattoo said, “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “Back to our place,” I told him.

  He shook his head. “Four tickets each, then end of the line, same as everyone else.”

  “But we already paid! And we stood on line for twenty minutes!” I told him. “If you don’t believe me you can ask those girls at the top of the stairs. We were right in front of them.” I called to the girls, “Hey …” But they were already sliding down.

  “Hey!” I called again when they got to the bottom.

  They pretended not to hear me.

  “We paid them six tickets to hold our place!” I told Mr. Tattoo.

  He laughed. “You expect me to believe that?” he said. “Don’t you know what happens to children who lie?”

  “I’m not lying! And if you don’t let us back in, I’m telling my aunt.” I grabbed the Pain’s hand. “Come on,” I said. “We’re going to get Aunt Diana.”

  As soon as we turned away, Mr. Tattoo called, “Okay … okay …” Then he opened the gate and let us cut the line. “But no more funny business!”

  I didn’t answer because we were already climbing the stairs as fast as we could. When we got to the top, I looked down. We were so high! I was afraid I’d get vomitigo like Aunt Diana. We spread out our rugs, sat on them, and on the count of three, we let go. Whoosh! We slid faster and faster, until it felt like we were flying! Flying over the bumps with the wind blowing our hair and the speed taking our breath away. I heard myself scream. I heard the Pain laugh. And then, just like that, it was over.

  We were at the bottom. “Want to go again?” I asked the Pain.

  But the Pain had other ideas. And I couldn’t get him to change his mind.

  Part Two

  The Gravitron was off by itself. It looked like a spaceship with flashing lights. The Pain ran ahead of me. When I caught up to him, he was in front of the sign that read

  The Pain searched for his tickets. He turned his pockets inside out. Finally he cried, “I have no more tickets!”

  I could have told him that. If he hadn’t wasted his tickets on blue cotton candy, a water bottle, and that mouse, he’d still have thirteen tickets left, like me. “Here,” I said, handing him six tickets. “Have a good time. I’ll wait for you.”

  He couldn’t believe I forked over six tickets just like that. But I knew my tickets were safe. I knew they weren’t going to let him go by himself.

  The Pain took the six tickets up to the woman in charge. She had spiky purple hair. “What’s this?” she asked.

  “It’s six tickets to ride the Gravitron,” he said.

  She tapped the sign. “No one under twelve without an adult.”

  “I’m not under twelve,” the Pain told her. “I’m just small for my age.”

  Purple Hair laughed. “Come back in ten years,” she said.

  “Everyone in my family is small,” the Pain argued. He pointed at me. “Look at my aunt Abigail….”

  Oh, great! I thought. Now I’m supposed to be his aunt.

  Purple Hair looked over at me. “I’m supposed to believe she’s your aunt?” The Pain stood behind her making signs at me. So I stood as straight and tall as I could and gave her the evil eye. I don’t know what the evil eye is exactly, but I once read about it in a scary book.

  “I told you we were all small,” the Pain said. “And it’s not nice of you to make fun of small people.”

  While the Pain and Purple Hair were arguing, a long line of teenagers were handing her tickets and piling into the Gravitron.

  Then I heard Aunt Diana calling, “Abigail, Jake! What are you doing here? You were supposed to wait for me.”

  “We are waiting. We’re waiting here at the Gravitron!” the Pain told her.

  Purple Hair checked out Aunt Diana. “Are you the mother?”

  “I’m his aunt,” Aunt Diana said.

  “My other aunt,” the Pain said.

  Aunt Diana looked confused. But before the Pain could explain, a big guy came by with a couple of teenage boys. “Diana!” he called.

  Aunt Diana looked up. “Rick!” she sounded surprised. She whispered to us, “It’s my boss!”

  “What are you doing here?” Rick asked.

  “I’m with my niece and nephew,” Aunt Diana told him. “What about you?”

  “I’m with my son and his friends.”

  In less than two seconds the Pain made his move. He tugged on Rick’s arm. “Will you take me on the Gravitron? It only takes eighty seconds. I’ll give you all my tickets if you do.”

  I didn’t remind him that he had no more tickets. Or that he owed me six.

  “Jake,” Aunt Diana said. “It’s not polite to ask—”

  But Rick stopped her before she finished. “No, it’s okay. Maybe this will prove to my son I’ve still got what it takes.” He handed Purple Hair the tickets. Then he took the Pain’s hand, and they disappeared into the Gravitron. “Uh-oh!” the baby said.

  I was thinking the same thing.

  The Gravitron started turning, slowly at first, then faster and faster, until it was whirling. The flashing lights blurred into a hundred colors. The music played louder and louder.

  I wondered what it was like inside. I wondered why I was scared to try it but the Pain wasn’t. He’s afraid of the ocean and I’m not. He still sleeps with his stuffed elephant. He gets carsick! He’s probably going to get sick from the Gravitron, too. They’ll probably have to carry him out.

  Eighty seconds later the Gravitron slowed down. Then it came to a stop. The teenagers piled out. Some of them were laughing like crazy. Some of them lined up to go again. One girl was crying. The Pain was smiling. But not Rick. Rick’s face was pale. He was holding his chest. “Rick!” Aunt Diana cried. “Are you all right?”

  Rick sat down on a bench. “Just give me a minute.” He took some deep breaths. Aunt Diana handed him her water bottle. He took a long drink. “Do you know what it’s like in there?”

  “I’ve no idea,” Aunt Diana said.

  “Be
lieve me,” Rick said. “You don’t want to know.”

  I pulled the Pain aside. “What was it like?”

  “It was an extravaganza!” He jumped up and down.

  “And you didn’t get sick?” I asked.

  “Why would I get sick?”

  Then Aunt Diana called, “Jake, come over here.”

  I followed him over to Aunt Diana. The baby clapped when he saw us.

  Aunt Diana said, “Jake … don’t you have something to say to Rick?”

  At first the Pain didn’t know what he was supposed to say. I could tell by the look on his face. Then he started smiling and dancing all around. “Hey, Rick …” he called. “Want to go again?”

  THE FURRY BOOGER

  We have a pussy willow tree behind our house. Justin and Dylan came over after school today and the three of us picked pussy willows. We took off our shoes and socks and stuck pussy willows between our toes. They felt soft and tickly. We tried walking around without losing them. Then Dylan picked another pussy willow. “Watch this!” he said, and this time he stuck it up his nose.

  Justin said, “Don’t do that!”

  “Why not?” Dylan asked. “I can blow it out any time I want.” He held his other nostril shut and blew until the pussy willow came flying out.

  That made us laugh.

  “See? I told you,” he said. He picked another pussy willow and stuck it up his other nostril.

  So I picked a pussy willow and stuck it up my nose.

  “Come on, Justin …” Dylan said.

  “Oh … okay,” Justin said. And he did it too.

  We decided to have a contest to see who could blow their pussy willow the farthest. We made a line with a couple of sticks and stood behind it. Then all three of us blew at once. Dylan’s pussy willow flew out and landed on the other side of our line. Justin’s came out, but it just dropped to the ground and lay there next to his foot. I blew and blew but nothing happened.

  “Try again,” Dylan said.

  So I did. Still nothing.

  “Let me look,” Justin said. He looked up my nose, then shook his head. “I don’t see anything. Are you sure it didn’t come out?”

  “I can feel it,” I said. “It’s like having a big furry booger up my nose.”

  Dylan and Justin laughed. But I didn’t. Justin said, “Get your magnifying glass, Jake.”

  “Can’t,” I told him. “I gave it to my sister.”

  “Go ask your sister if we can borrow it,” Justin said.

  “You come with me.”

  So the three of us went inside and up to the Great One’s room. Fluzzy was curled up on her bed. He sat up when he heard us. The Great One was at her desk, cutting pictures out of a magazine.

  “We need to borrow the magnifying glass,” I told her.

  “What for?” she said.

  “We have to study something.” I looked at Justin and Dylan. They nodded.

  “What?” she asked. “What do you have to study?”

  “We need to study a pussy willow,” I told her.

  She slid open her desk drawer and took out the magnifying glass. “Give it to me.”

  That made Dylan and Justin laugh.

  The Great One looked over at them. “What’s so funny?”

  Dylan covered his mouth and Justin looked up at the ceiling.

  “I don’t have all day,” she said. “I’m a very busy person. So either hand over the pussy willow or go away.”

  “It’s in a … in a …” I started to say.

  “In a what?” She looked at me. Now she was really interested.

  “It’s in a private place,” I whispered.

  “I’m not letting this magnifying glass out of my sight,” the Great One said. “If you want to use it, you have to show me the pussy willow.”

  Before I could say anything, Dylan blurted it out. “He can’t show you. It’s up his nose!”

  “Your nose?” the Great One said, looking at me. “Ewww … that’s the most disgusting thing I ever heard! What’s it doing in there?”

  “It’s stuck!” Justin called.

  “You have a pussy willow stuck up your nose?” she asked me.

  When I didn’t answer, she dashed into the hall calling, “Charlie … Charlie … come quick!”

  Charlie is our babysitter. She’s on the track team at her college. In two seconds she was up the stairs, sweeping everything out of her way, including Justin and Dylan. “What’s the problem?”

  “The Pain has a pussy willow stuck up his nose!” the Great One told her.

  “What?” Charlie said, like she must have heard wrong.

  “A pussy willow … stuck up his nose!” the Great One repeated.

  “Can you blow it out?” Charlie asked me.

  “He tried,” Justin and Dylan said together.

  “I tried,” I told Charlie.

  Charlie flew back down the stairs. The rest of us followed. Fluzzy took a flying leap off the bed. Maybe he thought we were playing a game and he didn’t want to miss the fun. Only I knew it wasn’t going to be any fun. Not for me.

  In the kitchen Charlie whipped out Mom’s emergency book, the one with all the numbers and lists. She called Dr. Bender’s office and told them I had a pussy willow stuck up my nose. Then she listened. When she hung up, she said, “Dr. Bender’s not in the office today. His nurse said we should go straight to the ER.”

  “That means emergency room!” Justin sang. He sounded excited. Like we were going to a magic show.

  “I went to the emergency room once,” Dylan said. “When I broke my foot.” He sounded like he was going to the same show.

  “And that’s where I got my stitches!” The Great One pulled up one leg of her jeans and showed us her scar. “Fourteen of them,” she said proudly, like it was the most fun she ever had.

  “I don’t want to go to the emergency room!” I told them.

  “You should have thought of that before you shoved a pussy willow up your nose,” the Great One said.

  “I need Mom,” I told Charlie.

  “I’m calling her cell right now,” Charlie said.

  But Mom didn’t pick up, so Charlie left a message.

  “I need Bruno,” I said, heading upstairs.

  At the ER we waited. We waited and waited and waited. Babies cried. People coughed. Somebody moaned. The Great One played Go Fish with Justin and Dylan. I leaned against Charlie and said, “Where’s Mom?”

  “She’s on her way.”

  “When will she be here?”

  “Before it’s your turn.”

  But then it was my turn and Mom still wasn’t there.

  They put me on a table with wheels and pulled white curtains all around. Charlie came inside the curtains. The Great One followed her. Justin and Dylan stood outside, peeking in.

  The doctor wore blue scrubs with a white coat over them. She had a stethoscope around her neck. “I’m Dr. Itchee,” she said.

  “That’s a funny name,” I said.

  She stuck a thermometer in my ear.

  “I don’t have a fever,” I told her.

  “It’s routine,” she said. Next she grabbed one of those doctor sticks. “Open your mouth and say ‘aaah.’”

  “I don’t have a sore throat,” I told her.

  “It’s routine,” she said. Then she put the ends of her stethoscope in her ears. “Now let’s have a listen.”

  I started to say, “And I don’t have a …” but she said, “Shhh….”

  After that she wanted to feel my belly. I felt like shouting, The pussy willow is up my nose! But I didn’t. Instead, I told Charlie, “I want my mom.”

  “I know it, sweetie.” Charlie petted my head like I was Fluzzy. She doesn’t have permission to call me sweetie. Only Mom is allowed to call me that. But I was glad she was there, so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even tell the Great One to take her hand off my arm.

  Next Dr. Itchee said, “Can you lie back and hold very, very still?”

 
; “Maybe,” I said.

  Dr. Itchee pulled on doctor gloves. I held Bruno against me. I was scared but not that scared. First Dr. Itchee looked up my nose with a light. “Aha!” she said. She sounded like the magician who came to Dylan’s birthday party. He was always saying “Aha!”

  “It’s really up there,” Dr. Itchee said. She put her light away. “Okay, Jake … I’m going in now.” It sounded like she was going to shrink herself into a teeny, tiny doctor and crawl up my nostril.

  But then I saw the long, pointy tweezers heading for my nose and I shoved them out of the way. “No!” I yelled.

  Dr. Itchee said, “I can’t do this unless you keep still.”

  “He’s scared,” the Great One said.

  “I think this might be easier if you both waited outside,” Dr. Itchee said to Charlie and the Great One.

  “But I need them!” I told Dr. Itchee. “They have to stay.”

  “All right,” Dr. Itchee said. “But your sister has to be quiet. Can you be quiet?” she asked the Great One.

  I would have laughed except I was too scared. For once, the Great One didn’t say anything. She just nodded.

  “This won’t hurt if you hold still,” Dr. Itchee told me. “And it will only take a minute. That’s sixty seconds. Can you count to sixty?”

  “Of course he can count to sixty!” the Great One said. “He’s in first grade.”

  Dr. Itchee shot the Great One a look. The Great One covered her mouth and said, “Oops!”

  I held on to Bruno and squeezed my eyes shut.

  Then Dr. Itchee said, “You can start counting now. Don’t forget to say ‘one hundred’ between each number.”

  The Great One counted with me. “One–one hundred, two–one hundred, three–one hundred.” I felt something cold inside my nose. I held Bruno tighter. “Four–one hundred, five–one hundred, six–one hundred …”

  Then I felt the cold thing come out of my nose and Dr. Itchee said, “Got it!”

  That’s when Mom came rushing in with Dylan and Justin right behind her. Mom gave me a big hug. “Sweetie,” she said. “You’re so brave!” She kissed me and kept patting my head.