Going, Going, Gone! with the Pain and the Great One

  OTHER BOOKS BY JUDY BLUME

  Picture and Story Books

  The Pain and the Great One

  The One in the Middle Is the Green Kangaroo

  Freckle Juice

  The Pain and the Great One Chapter Books

  Soupy Saturdays with the Pain and the Great One

  Cool Zone with the Pain and the Great One

  The Fudge Books

  Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

  Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great

  Superfudge

  Fudge-a-Mania

  Double Fudge

  For Middle-Grade Readers

  Iggie’s House

  Blubber

  Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself

  It’s Not the End of the World

  Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.

  Then Again, Maybe I Won’t

  Deenie

  Just as Long as We’re Together

  Here’s to You, Rachel Robinson

  For Young Adults

  Tiger Eyes

  Forever …

  Letters to Judy: What Kids Wish They Could Tell You

  Places I Never Meant to Be: Original Stories by Censored Writers

  (edited by Judy Blume)

  To Kamu and Miranda

  Who Go, Go, Go!

  —J.B.

  To Leo

  —J.S.

  With many thanks to my editor and publisher,

  Beverly Horowitz,

  who encouraged me to write down these stories

  that have lived inside my head for so long.

  It’s been a treat working with you. Your support

  and enthusiasm for this series and your friendship

  over the years are so appreciated.

  With love,

  Judy

  CONTENTS

  Meet the Pain

  Meet the Great One

  One: The Lizard and the Wolf

  Two: Extravaganza, Parts One and Two

  Three: The Furry Booger

  Four: Kapooie One

  Five: Kapooie Two

  Six: “Say ‘Cheese!’”

  Seven: Fluzzy in Charge

  The Pain

  Meet the Pain

  My sister’s name is Abigail. I call her the Great One because she thinks she’s so great. She says, “I don’t think it, I know it!” When she says that I laugh like crazy. Then she gets mad. It’s fun to make her mad. Who cares if she’s in third grade and I’m just in first? That doesn’t make her faster. Or stronger. Or even smarter. I don’t get why Mom and Dad act like she’s so special. Sometimes I think they love her more than me.

  The Great One

  Meet the Great One

  My brother’s name is Jacob but everyone calls him Jake. Everyone but me. I call him the Pain because that’s what he is. He’s a first-grade pain. And he will always be a pain—even if he lives to be a hundred. Even then, I’ll be two years older than him. I’ll still know more about everything. And I’ll always know exactly what he’s thinking. That’s just the way it is. I don’t get why Mom and Dad act like he’s so special. Sometimes I think they love him more than me.

  THE LIZARD AND THE WOLF

  Grandma rented a house at the beach. Yesterday we drove there. I got carsick. I almost always get carsick if the ride takes more than an hour. Under an hour, I’m okay. The Great One doesn’t get it. She says, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “It makes sense to me,” I told her.

  “A person either gets carsick or he doesn’t,” she said. “Look at me—I don’t get carsick, which makes me a good traveler.”

  “Does not!” I shouted.

  “Does too!” she shouted back. “Mom, aren’t I a good traveler?” Mom was driving. Dad was snoozing in the seat next to her.

  “You’re both good travelers,” Mom said.

  “But if you had to choose one of us to take on a trip, wouldn’t you rather take the one who doesn’t puke every time he gets in the car?” the Great One asked.

  “No fair!” I called. “I don’t puke every time.”

  “Children,” Mom said. “I’m trying to concentrate on the road.”

  When we got to the beach, Grandma took us shopping while Mom and Dad unpacked. We’re staying for a week. A week is a long time. Long enough to choose your favorite breakfast cereal. Mine is Cream of Wheat because it’s white. I only like white foods. The Great One doesn’t care what color her food is. She chose Cheerios.

  At the supermarket we followed Grandma down the Fun-in-the-Sun aisle. She tossed a tube of sunscreen into our cart. The Great One ran ahead to a display of Boogie boards. “I’ve always wanted a Boogie board,” she told Grandma. “I could have so much fun in the ocean if only I had one.” She looked through the stack of boards. “Oh, this one is so cool!” She held up a purple board. “Isn’t this one cool, Grandma?” It had a picture of a lizard on it.

  “You think it will be okay with your mom and dad?” Grandma asked.

  “Oh, yes!” the Great One said. “I’m a good swimmer. You know what a good swimmer I am.”

  “Well, then—let’s get it,” Grandma said.

  The Great One threw her arms around Grandma. “You’re the best grandma in the history of the world!”

  Grandma laughed. “Let’s hope you think so the next time I say no.” Then she looked at me. “Would you like a Boogie board, Jake?”

  “Don’t waste your money,” the Great One said. “He won’t use it.”

  “Yes, I will!” I said. I chose a yellow board with a wolf’s face on it.

  The next day, before we headed for the beach, the Great One said, “I hope the waves are big today.” Then she looked right at me and said, “I take that back. I hope they’re huge!”

  At the beach Dad set up the umbrella and opened the chairs. Grandma spread out the blanket while Mom reached into her bag for the new sunscreen. “You first, Abigail,” she said to the Great One.

  “Why do I have to get sunscreened first?” the Great One asked.

  “I thought you like to go first,” I said.

  The Great One gave me one of her looks.

  When Mom was done with us, the Great One grabbed her Boogie board and raced down to the ocean. Dad followed her. I followed Dad.

  When I reached wet sand, I stopped. The waves weren’t huge. But they weren’t small, either. I watched as the Great One paddled out on her Boogie board. When she got far enough, she turned back and waved to Dad. Then she watched over her shoulder until just before the next wave started. When it did, she was on her board riding in to shore. Then she did it again. And again. She didn’t care if her face got wet or if she fell off her board, or even if she went under a wave. Nothing stopped her.

  When I got tired of watching, I started digging a hole. I dug deeper and deeper until the ocean came up inside it. Then I sat in the hole. The water was warm. Warmer than in the ocean.

  The next day the Great One was at it again. She spent all afternoon in the ocean on her Boogie board, riding the waves to shore. She says it’s the best fun she’s ever had. She says I don’t know what I’m missing.

  “You have to try it, Jake!” she said the next morning while I was eating my Cream of Wheat.

  “Try what?” I asked, like I didn’t know.

  “Your Boogie board!”

  “I’m waiting,” I told her.

  “Waiting for what?” she asked.

  “The perfect wave.”

  “Ha!” she said, laughing.

  That afternoon I decided to build a sand fort. Grandma helped me. “I have a lot of experience,” she said. “I used to help your mom
build sand castles when she was your age.”

  “With moats around them?” I asked.

  “Oh, sure,” Grandma said. “They all had moats.”

  Grandma was good at making turrets and drizzling wet sand on top of them. But after a while she fanned her face with her hat and said, “Whew—it’s hot out today. Time for a swim. Want to come in with me, Jake?”

  “Not now,” I told her. “I have to stay here and guard my fort.” I watched as Grandma dove under a wave.

  Sometimes I go into the ocean up to my knees. But no higher—not even when I’m with Dad. Because higher means the waves could crash over your head. No way will I ever dive under a wave. Not if I live to be a hundred million years old!

  When Mom called us for snacks, the Great One said, “You’re the only kid on the beach who won’t go into the ocean.”

  “Am not!” I told her.

  “Are too!” the Great One said. She was peeling a tangerine. “Do you want everyone to think you’re afraid? Do you want everyone to think you’re a baby?” She shoved a piece of tangerine into her mouth.

  “I’m not a baby!” I shouted, grabbing a juice box. “I know how to swim in a pool.”

  “You call the doggie paddle swimming?”

  “Yes!”

  “Then why don’t you pretend the ocean is a big pool?”

  “I don’t like salt water in my eyes,” I told her. “And I don’t want it up my nose, either!”

  “Wear a mask,” the Great One called as she ran back toward the ocean with her lizard Boogie board.

  That night on the boardwalk I saw a store window filled with masks. I asked Grandma if we could go inside. She took my hand and we went into the store together.

  I checked out all the masks. I tried on Spider-Man first. Next I tried on Batman. Then I tried on a mask that looked like the President. After that, one that looked like a gorilla.

  When Grandma walked away to look at something else, I saw it. The perfect mask—the Wolfman! I pulled it on and crept up behind Grandma. Then I poked her in the ribs and growled. Grandma jumped a foot off the floor and shrieked so loud she scared me. Everyone in the store turned to look at us. At least, I think they did. It wasn’t that easy to see what was going on from inside the Wolfman mask.

  When Grandma calmed down, she laughed. “You surprised me, Jake!”

  “I could tell,” I said.

  “Would you like that mask?”

  I wasn’t going to ask for it, but if Grandma wanted to buy it for me, it wouldn’t be nice to say no. So I said, “Sure. Thanks a lot, Grandma!”

  “You’re welcome, precious.”

  Precious is what Grandma calls me when no one else is around. It’s our secret word.

  I pulled off the Wolfman mask and plunked it on the counter.

  “Getting an early start on Halloween?” the cashier said.

  “No,” I told him. But I don’t think he believed me.

  The next day at the beach, after the Great One raced into the ocean, I pulled on my Wolfman mask. Dad said, “That’s a scary mask, Jake. I hope you don’t scare your sister.”

  I was hoping I would.

  I grabbed my yellow Boogie board with the wolf face on it and carried it down to the ocean’s edge. Then I stood on the board, like I was a surfer.

  “Look, Mommy,” I heard a little kid say. “That boy thinks it’s Halloween.”

  Was he talking about me?

  It was hot inside my Wolfman mask. Hot and sweaty. Soon I felt like pulling it off and dumping a bucket of water over my head. Water from the sink, not ocean water.

  When the Great One came out of the ocean, she said, “Why are you wearing that thing? You look like a dork!”

  “I look like the Wolfman,” I told her.

  “You think the Wolfman wears a bathing suit?”

  “He does when he goes to the beach,” I said.

  “The Wolfman is covered with hair,” she said, “in case you didn’t know.”

  “He shaves it off in summer.”

  She laughed.

  So I shouted, “You said to wear a mask, remember?”

  “I meant a dive mask,” she said, “not a Halloween mask!”

  “That’s how much you know!” I told her. “Because this is a—” I had to think fast. “This is a surfer mask.”

  “A surfer mask?” The Great One laughed again.

  “If you don’t believe me, just ask the man at the store!”

  She was quiet for a minute. “He really told you it was a surfer mask?” she said. I knew she was looking at me. I could see her legs but not her face.

  “Yes, all the real surfers have them.” I was so hot I didn’t think I could last another minute inside my Wolfman mask.

  “Let me try it,” the Great One said.

  I pulled off my mask and handed it to her. It felt so good to be out of it. I dumped a bucket of ocean water over my head. I was careful to keep my eyes shut.

  “How do I look?” the Great One asked. She was posing like a surfer in my Wolfman mask. She looked totally stupid. But I said, “You look cool.”

  Then she was off, racing out to catch the next wave. But she missed and fell off her board. She fell off on her next try too. And the one after that.

  She whipped off the Wolfman mask and came tearing out of the ocean. “This mask doesn’t work!” she shouted, waving it in the air. “You tricked me, you little pain! You won’t get away with this!”

  But I was already racing down the beach, hoping she would never catch me.

  EXTRAVAGANZA

  Part One

  Aunt Diana took us to the county fair. She bought each of us twenty tickets. “I can’t believe how much these tickets cost,” she said. “Use them carefully.”

  “We will,” I told her.

  “I’m going on the Gravitron,” the Pain told me as Aunt Diana walked ahead of us, pushing the baby in his stroller.

  “No, you’re not,” I said. “You have to be at least twelve to go on the Gravitron.”

  “Ha ha,” he sang. “That’s how much you know!”

  I know plenty about the Gravitron. I know I’m never going on it. It spins around so fast it pins you against the wall while the floor disappears from under you. I learned about it from a TV show called Amusement Ride Extravaganzas.

  Aunt Diana turned to us and said, “Let’s see the farm animals first. Before the baby falls asleep.”

  The Pain leaned over and whispered to me, “Then the Gravitron!”

  The farm animals were in a big barn. First came the pigs. The baby clapped his hands and said “Uh-oh!” Then came the goats and fancy chickens and rabbits. The baby said “Uh-oh!” to everything.

  When we came out of the barn, the Pain poked me. “Time for the Gravitron!”

  But Aunt Diana had other ideas. “Let’s do the food hall next.”

  “Is the food hall like the food court at the mall?” the Pain asked.

  Aunt Diana laughed. “Not exactly,” she said.

  The food hall was filled with homegrown vegetables. The Pain kept running ahead, announcing what was coming next.

  “An eggplant that’s bigger than the baby!”

  “A tomato so huge it could be somebody’s head!”

  The baby clapped his hands and said, “Uh-oh!”

  When we came out of the food hall, Aunt Diana sat on a bench under a tree and gave the baby a bottle. The way things were going, I thought we’d never get to the rides. So I said, “Oh, look, Aunt Diana, there’s the Super Slide! The Super Slide is my favorite.”

  “Mine is the Gravitron,” the Pain said, jumping up and down.

  “Gravitron?” Aunt Diana said. “What’s that?”

  “It’s where you spin around so fast you’re mashed against the wall,” the Pain said. “It’s an extravaganza!”

  “Whoa … that’s a big word,” Aunt Diana said.

  “He learned it from a TV show called Amusement Ride Extravaganzas,” I explained. “You have to be at lea
st twelve to go on it.”

  “Unless you’re with a grown-up,” the Pain told Aunt Diana. “And you’ll take me, won’t you?”

  “I’m sorry, Jake,” Aunt Diana said, “but rides give me vertigo.”

  “Is that like vomit?” the Pain asked.

  “Vertigo is dizziness,” Aunt Diana said. “Rides make me dizzy, and that doesn’t feel good.”

  “The Gravitron won’t make you dizzy,” the Pain said. “It only lasts eighty seconds.”

  “The longer you stand here blabbing, the longer it’s going to take on line at the Super Slide,” I said, tapping my foot.

  “Okay,” Aunt Diana said. “Here’s the deal. You two can get on line at the Super Slide. I’ll keep an eye on you from here. Then, as soon as I’ve fed the baby, I’ll meet you. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I grabbed the Pain’s hand and pulled him with me. But on the way to the Super Slide he spotted the cotton candy stand.

  “I want blue,” he said.

  “After the Super Slide,” I told him.

  “No, now!” And he used up five of his tickets buying himself a blue cotton candy. I don’t like cotton candy. It feels like fuzz in my mouth.

  The guy in charge of the Super Slide had a tattoo on his arm. We each handed him four tickets and got on line. I took a swig from my water bottle. It was hot in the sun and the line for the Super Slide wrapped around twice.

  “Cotton candy makes me thirsty,” the Pain said, watching me drink. “I need water.”

  “Where’s your water bottle?” I asked.

  “I left it in the car. Can I share with you?”

  “Share my water bottle?” I said. “Ewww, no, thank you.”

  “But I’m thirsty,” the Pain said. “I might die of thirst. Then you’ll be sorry.”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Okay, fine,” he said. “I’ll go buy a water bottle.”

  “That’s going to cost a lot of tickets,” I said. But did he listen? Does he ever listen?

  The Pain came back with a water bottle and a toy mouse. “For Fluzzy,” he said, walking the mouse up my arm.